Why Marriage Takes Work

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To achieve anything worthwhile takes work. Why should marriage be any different?

Years of your life are spent in school preparing to obtain the job you want or the career you want to pursue. If you wanted to excel in sports, art or singing, you were willing to work at it and spend endless hours practicing. It wasn’t work – it was a joy.

Whatever your dream, nothing would stop you from tirelessly working to achieve your goal even if it meant foregoing certain pleasures and taking extra classes. You studied and read every book you could find to help you get better and eventually become the person you wanted to be.

Marriage should be approached with as much zeal. Unfortunately, most people who try their hand at marriage think it’s a learn as you go project. They “wing it” on a day-to-day basis and fail to see the mistakes made along the way until it ends in separation or divorce. It’s no secret that more than half of all marriages end in divorce and many others are miserably unhappy.

Marriage is not taken seriously anymore or at least not for long. As soon as the passion and dedication of the wedding vows fade into the bliss of the honeymoon, couples say well if it doesn’t work out it’s no big deal to go our separate ways.

If children are involved this is certainly not so, but divorce can also have more far reaching effects on others as well. This includes not only your immediate family but friends as well on both sides of the marriage.

With marriage comes responsibility. Couples would do well to repeat their wedding vows occasionally, especially the part that says for better or worse. So often when a marriage gets tough with a loss of job, poor health or unexpected expenses, the stress begins to build and you look for a way out. Marriage has become too much about what you can do for me, rather than what we can do for each other.

marriage takes workDivorces are too easy to come by. More work should have gone into the engagement period which most times are all too brief. The longer the engagement the more you can learn about your partner.

If there are little things (or big things) that annoy you it’s better to discover them before the vows are said. Going into marriage thinking you can change someone most of the time is a fairy tale.

Just like you prepare for a career, you should prepare for marriage. Premarital counseling could be extremely beneficial. It not only brings couples closer but enables them to discover what the other person is seeking or expects in a relationship. In a counseling situation most feel more comfortable sharing their feelings with a professional present.

Enter into the sanctity of marriage knowing that it’s a lifetime commitment. Together you can accomplish so much more than alone. It will take work and self sacrifice. The marriage highway is filled with bumps and potholes but it’s a trip worth taking and may be the best journey of your life.

 


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Can an Intervention Stop an Affair?

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Interventions are not guaranteed ways to stop your spouse from having an affair, but it is possible they can stop an affair. An intervention is a set process that includes family and friends stepping in to prevent destructive and harmful behavior. Just like for addictions, interventions can help your spouse see that their behavior is destructive to the marriage and other relationships.

If your spouse is having an affair with someone who is married, don’t hesitate to confront them. It’s not just your marriage that is at stake.

First, try to talk to them openly and calmly. Ask them why they feel the need to go to someone else and if they are willing to seek counseling. Get family and friends involved. Tell them you want to save the marriage and ask if they’d be willing to step in.

Some may not be comfortable getting involved and that’s OK. Not all family members or friends will be able to handle an intervention. If they offer you their support you can mention this to your spouse when you have an intervention so they know that certain friends and family know even if they’re not there.

Suggest that you two seek marriage counseling.

Affairs are not always caused by individual problems or desires – it may be something deeper in your marriage that has driven your spouse away, so instead of dealing with the problem, they avoid it.

Try not to be harsh, judgmental, or begrudging. You should only proceed with an intervention if you are emotionally ready to handle what may come forward and are ready to (or already have) forgive your spouse. Without forgiveness, healing and ending the affair is not going to happen.

can an intervention stop affair?Tell them also how you feel. Part of an intervention is letting your spouse know how destructive and harmful their behavior is not only to them and your family, but to you as well. Even if they feel as if they don’t love you as much as they did when you first got married, they will still understand the hurt and pain they have caused.

Let their friends and family members do the same and express their worries for them and their wellbeing. You may also want their friends and family to speak alone with them. This gives them the opportunity to talk about anything that’s bothering them about the marriage they aren’t comfortable telling you yet. This way, their friends and family can talk to you about what they’re having problems with and gives you insight into your marital problems.

If an intervention doesn’t seem to be making any progress, try to see what they want. They may not want to continue the marriage. Although marriage is a lifelong commitment, it may be one that they are not ready for or jumped into too soon.

Find a solution that works for both of you. If she does seem reluctant to end the marriage, keep working at fixing the problems in your marriage together and be more open about feelings and what you both want out of the marriage. Communication will help prevent your spouse from feeling alienated or neglected and can help save a marriage.

 


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I Cheated On My Husband…Now What?

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Cheating, as Harry’s friend says in When Harry Met Sally, is just a sign that something else is wrong in a marriage. Whether that something is communication or neglect, cheating is usually a death sentence to a marriage – but it doesn’t have to be.

If the affair was recent, it’ll give you time to think things through. First consider whether you still want to be married. Marriage is not for everyone and it may be that it’s not right for you or that you no longer want to be married to your husband. Take a tip from Elizabeth Gilbert and consider if marriage is still something you want. Whatever you decide, you need to open up the way to communication.

First of all, don’t tell anyone else. This increases the chance that your husband will find out from someone else and it creates distrust. He needs to hear about the affair from you and he needs the confidence that you haven’t told anyone else. Telling others about your affair is disrespectful and will cause more harm than any advice anyone else could offer, not even that of a marriage counselor or therapist.

If you’ve decided that you want to fix your marriage, then be honest and sensitive when telling your husband of the affair, and you will have to tell him. Hiding infidelity only makes it worse, especially if he discovers it. How you speak and what you say is key. Admitting what you did wrong is first and foremost. Don’t get defensive or upset if he becomes upset – he has every right to be. If he storms off, allow him some time to process. If he shuts down, give him time. Accepting that you’ve hurt him deeply is going to help you understand what you need to do next. When he’s ready to talk, be prepared for confrontation, but don’t start it.

What you never want to do when discussing an affair is to blame him for what’s gone wrong in your marriage. Marriage takes two people and a lot of communication. Listen to what he has to say and consider his side. The resolution could take months or even years so don’t expect a quick fix. The damage and hurt that led to an affair took months and years, so fixing a marriage might take the same amount of time.

When you are talking with him (and remember, it’s with him, not to him or at him) ask if he wants to work things out and stay married. He may not know the answer at the moment, but it’s guaranteed he’s been thinking about it. Try to work something out between you two that will help heal the both of you. Separating, marriage counseling, and open communication all work best when used together. By giving each other space, being open and honest about feelings, and getting outside expert advice can help you and your husband save your marriage.

cheated on husbandNo matter why you cheated, even if it was for revenge, the affair is over. Sometimes, spouses can be quickly forgiving. Other times, they take a long while to heal. If you’ve decided that you want a divorce, be clear, not cruel, and understanding that he may not want the same thing. Whatever you choose, remember that healing a marriage takes time and coming to terms with what works best for both of you may take a while. The damage of years past takes years to heal.

 


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Is It Too Late to Continue a Marriage After Divorce Papers Have Been Filed?

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Getting married, for most people, is one of life’s most anticipated and happiest milestones. The idea of spending the rest of ones life with the individual they love most is absolutely thrilling.

But what happens when what started off as a blessed affair becomes a nightmare? What does a person do when their spouse has not only asked for a divorce but filed for one? Is it too late to continue the marriage? The answer is, not necessarily.

While things are obviously grim when ones spouse files for divorce, it may or may not signal the end of the union. Below, we will discuss a few things a person can do to try and save their marriage even when their spouse has filed for a divorce.

Just because a person’s spouse has filed for divorce doesn’t mean that things are indeed over. The individual who has been left behind, if they desire to, can still try to work things out.

Things aren’t ‘officially’ over until the divorce is final. However, it is important to note that because every person has free will, if an individual’s spouse decides to leave, they can and they might, for good. When this happens, a person will have to find a way to pick up the pieces and move on.

 

What To Do After A Spouse Has Filed For Divorce

  1. Suggest Counseling: While things may have deteriorated so badly that it has become impossible for a couple to discuss their problems or possibly reconcile them, a professionally trained counselor might be able to at least facilitate meaningful discussion. This discussion may eventually lead to an improvement in the relationship and perhaps may even save it.
  2. Enlist the Help of A Third Party: Sometimes enlisting the help of a respected, third-party can make all of the difference in the world. This person could be a parent, a clergy member or a good friend. Sometimes a wayward spouse is more willing to listen to a third-party than their partner.
  3. Pray: Individuals, who believe in prayer and God, may want to consider praying for reconciliation. Prayer has been proven to be effective and very beneficial, especially in times of distress and during health crisis.
  4. Give Ones Spouse Space: One of the worst things a person can do when in the midst of an unwanted divorce is to crowd the other spouse and come on too strong. Excessive calling or showing up unannounced can result in an effect that is opposite of what an individual wants. Making ones desire to stay together known and then giving the other person enough space may be more effective than bugging them incessantly. Combining the aforementioned with prayer, enlisting the help of a third party and suggesting counseling may be enough to begin to turn things around.

 

When a person’s spouse has filed for divorce, the world can suddenly look very grim. While his or her filing may signal the end of the relationship, it might not. Some people get back together even after divorce papers have been filed. A person not yet ready to give up, should not. Instead, they should enlist the help of a third party, suggest counseling, pray and give their spouse space.

 


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Help! Wife Won’t Communicate with Me

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It’s more than difficult to be in a one-sided marriage. Trying to get your wife to communicate with you may be most challenging. She may seem distant, cut-off, and shut down. Her walls are up and you can’t get through.

Although she’s not communicating with you, it’s not all one-sided. She may be guarded for different reasons and not for spite. Most women won’t shut down just to make their husbands angry. It’s usually because they are avoiding conflict, aren’t comfortable expressing what they want, or feel judged or that their concerns are irrelevant.

Now guys, this may not be your fault so don’t automatically assume she’s shutting down because of you. Above all, don’t start an angry and judging confrontation.. Think of anything that might make someone unwilling to talk. They may have something uncomfortable they want to share, they may be unfamiliar with how to express their own feelings, they may not be comfortable asking for what they want, or they may be upset at something you said or did.

Although any one of these is likely, try to start slow. Ask her about her day or how she’s feeling. If she doesn’t really respond to this, it may be something she’s angry or upset at you. If you think this is the case, try asking her gently, but clearly, if she’s upset with you. Here is where you should watch your tone. Tone, when trying to get someone to open up, is extremely mportant. Your tone should be inquisitive and concerned, not defensive and upset.

Try saying, “Did I do something that upset you or made you uncomfortable? Is there something you’d like to get off your chest? I’d like to know what’s bothering you so we can work it out.” These types of questions are easy to open up to and letting her know that you want to identify the problem to solve it and not make it worse may help her feel more open as well.

she talks to meIf she says that it’s not something you did (and you can tell by her tone that she’s not being sarcastic), then see if there’s something else that’s bothering her. Try saying things like, “Are people at work giving you trouble? Is there something you want to stop happening there or at home?” It may be that she’s overwhelmed at work and doesn’t want to trouble you with the stress. Remember that if she’s dealing with some big changes or difficult problems, let her know that you two are a team and should work things out together, even if they’re about work.

It’s almost impossible to know that she’s shut down because she’s having trouble asking you for something. Women often have trouble discussing what they want in the bedroom especially. Next time you two go to bed or become intimate, ask her to lead you. Questions that offer options like softer or harder, slower or faster, lower or higher, can help her respond. Yes and no questions are more difficult to get clear answers from.
If she’s still not opening up and it’s not any of these things, try an open-ended question and be blunt, but sensitive. Tell her that you’d like to know what’s bothering her and you want to work it out as a team. Tell her that if there’s something that you did or said that upset her, you want to know so as to understand and try to stop doing/saying it.

Remember to speak in a concerned tone and don’t use accusing words or phrases. This will only make her shut down even more.

 


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What Happened to Kissing Like We Were Dating?

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Rekindling the spark in a marriage may seem impossible. It’s hard to tell your partner that the romance has left the marriage and that you feel as if there’s no more passion.

It’s common for couples to fall into a routine, become focused on work, and forget about the romance that keeps their relationship strong and fulfilling. A part of having a satisfied marriage is having a satisfying physical relationship.

Here are some ways to get back those similar feelings you had when you were dating.

1.    Try going out on dates. Ask your spouse on a date. Make it a night you both are free and should have some time away from your responsibilities, not “can” be away. Whether it’s to a movie, a nice dinner, a backyard date, or something you both have never tried, find something that will be reminiscent of what you did together when you were dating.

2.    Ban sex. This may seem to do the opposite of what you want it to, but by making something forbidding, the allure of it becomes stronger. By making a rule that the clothes have to stay on, you’re more likely to break it.

3.    Express your most intimate and scary desires. Part of rekindling the spark is getting to know one another again. If you don’t know what turns your partner on, what their deepest, darkest bedroom desires are, you won’t be able to fulfill them and create a stronger intimacy.

4.    Spend mornings together. This does not mean to sit at the kitchen table on your laptops or reading the newspaper and watching TV together. This means that if you usually run, suggest a morning jog together. You can also share coffee and talk about what you have to do today, what’s going on at work, or even better, what you plan to do when you get home (in the bedroom that is).

5.    Make sex a game or competition. There are lots of games you can play that lead to a night under the covers. You can try to find new “hot spots” or try to find the most outrageous toys to use on each other. Whoever’s toy brings the most pleasure wins.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment, so why would intimacy stop once you’re married? Try to sneak in kisses, squeezes, touches, that hint at a lot more fun later that night. Once your partner gets the message, they’ll be sure to be onboard.

 


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He’s Still Lying. Should I Kick Him Out or Let Him Stay?

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Your husband lies. Not just white lies or little lies, but detailed fabrications, wild allegations, fiction.

You’ve caught him in more lies than days you’ve been married.

You’ve even showed him proof he was lying and then fabricated another one to cover the old one.

You talked to him continuously about it.

You constantly fight about it.

So what do you do? Kick him out.

As far as marriage goes, lying can be just as bad as cheating. Lying can be more damaging than cheating. A spouse that lies constantly is not only abusing your trust, but also abusing your love for them. Lies can cause hurt, anger, frustration, disappointment, and can destroy friendships and family relationships. Hopefully, your situation hasn’t gotten this bad, but if it has, you should consider kicking him out or getting a separation.

The worst case scenario is that he leaves and you move on with your life: liar-less. Liars as husbands are not good spouses, don’t make good role models for children, and are a constant source of pain. Your husband may not mean to intentionally cause harm, but people who lie usually don’t have direct consequences and haven’t learned to deal positively with conflict and truth.

Those who lie are usually afraid of confrontation. If his lies usually generate from this fear, then you may want to consider looking at your reactions to his behavior. If you often get upset easily and blow-up only to be pacified quickly later, you may want to see if this is what makes him hesitant to be truthful about his behavior. If his behavior is destructive and he’s lying to prevent a confrontation about these, then you shouldn’t tolerate his behavior or lying anymore.

Lying is a psychological problem. Chronic lying causes severe problems not only with the person but with those around them. If you’re dealing with constant lying from a husband who can’t face the truth or confrontation, then the best thing to do is to separate. There will be a lot of resistance to this, but he can’t continue his behavior and not face the consequences. Explain to him that this is a consequence of his continuous aversion to the truth and to telling you the truth.

If you feel like you could work things out, then offer to let him back when he has proven that he can be honest more often, take responsibility for mistakes, and face confrontation.

Separation is not only going to be beneficial for him, but it will be beneficial to you. You’ll have a break to be able to reevaluate the relationship and see from a more unbiased perspective what is best for you.

If you know he will never change, keep him out.

If you decide to let him stay, remember the old adage: Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me.

 


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How to Stop Being Obsessed

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Obsession: being completely consumed by a desire or idea so much that it affects relationships, work, and health.

Being obsessed over anything can severely damage your marriage. Obsessing over a sports team, physical fitness, work, kids, or something else can make your spouse feel alienated and neglected. Obsession destroys once beautiful relationships and families. Being obsessive will harm not only others, but you as well. Obsessive behavior is destructive and interferes with functionality.

Here are some ways you can stop being obsessed.

1.    Understand that the feelings are not mutual and is ultimately going to be more painful the more you hold on. No matter if it’s a sport, activity, or person, these things are not going to reciprocate feelings at the same level of intensity. The obsession is only exhausting you and it’s causing you mental harm. If you have to, go to a psychologist and express you concerns and worries. They’ll be able to help you work out why you are obsessed and why you may be apprehensive to stop obsessive behavior.

2.    Find new activities to focus on. This does not mean find new things to become obsessive about. If you’re trying to stop obsessing over anything, you should find an activity that helps you think about something else that is completely unrelated. If you’re obsessing over a person, avoid routes, places, or even your phone if it’s that much of a temptation. If you haven’t seen some friends in a while, try to make some social time. Also, talk with your spouse about your goal. They can help you focus and stay on task. You’ll also be more receptive to how your obsessive behavior has affected them.

3.    If you fall off the bandwagon, get back on. It’s OK to make mistakes, but don’t get down on yourself and give up if you find yourself reverting back to old habits. Instead, think of it as strengthening your resolve and remember how destructive your obsessive behavior is to you and to the ones you love. Obsession takes you away from not only spouses, family, and friends, but also yourself.

4.    Get to know you again. Start focusing on who you are and getting to know yourself. When you have a better understanding of who you are, what you want out of life, and the types of relationships you want to cultivate, you’ll be able to stay focused on getting rid of obsessive behavior.

When trying to modify behavior, it’s always best to get expert opinions or professional help. By seeking out professionals, you’re not saying you’re crazy, which is what averts many from going to psychologists. Seeking out professionals means you are serious about your well being and that you care about yourself and your relationships to get help that will work. Trying to stop being obsessed on your own is extremely difficult because it’s easy to convince yourself to revert back to obsessive behavior. Try to gather a support system of friends, spouse, and family that can help you stay on track.

 


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Am I Obligated to Have Sex with an Overweight Husband?

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A marriage takes two people and any problems, whether intimate or public, should be solved together as a team. But there are some problems that spouses feel uncomfortable talking about with each other. Sex is one of them.

Women usually have a hard time voicing what they want in the bedroom, which can make intimacy difficult or even nonexistent. Some women feel obligated to have sex whenever their husbands want and this is simply not the case.

Wives are never obligated to have sex ever.

Some women are uncomfortable having sex with their husbands because they are not in the mood, are uncomfortable during intimacy, or can’t express what they want from their husbands sexually and therefore avoid it altogether. Women with overweight husbands should not worry about obligatory sex.

If your husband is overweight and you don’t want to have sex with him, you don’t have to. No one, even a husband, should force you to have sex. Sex is not obligatory in a marriage. If your aversion to sex is because your husband is overweight, you should talk with him about it.

Instead of telling him that there won’t be any sex until he slims down, try to talk to him from a concerned perspective. Be honest as well. Men appreciate honesty even if it’s not the kindest truths. Find a time when you two are alone and have an open time for having an intimate conversation. First, explain to him that you are uncomfortable during sex. Weight gain on a partner is not beneficial to a sexual relationship in any way. Explain to him that you’re concerned for his health and that you would like to enjoy sex with him like you did before. If his weight is affecting his performance, he’ll be sure to want to fix it. No man likes the idea of bad performance because of weight.

If he’s not receptive to any of this, give him some time. When he’s ready to discuss it again, let him express his opinion on it. If he’s comfortable with his weight and doesn’t want to change, that’s fine, but let him know that it’s affecting your sexual relationship with him. He may think twice.

Remember that you never have to have sex if you don’t want to, married or not. Sex is something that should bring both partners joy and happiness and intimacy. Sex should not be something that is obligatory or something done grudgingly. This will only harm the marriage and the relationship between you and your husband. It’s better to not have sex than to have sex because you feel obligated to. No man will want to have sex if his wife feels obligated. It’s not a turn on and may get him to rethink his eating and exercising habits.

To get him to consider slimming down, you might suggest a little bedroom action for a warm-up. This is only if you want to and it may show him that you aren’t repulsed by him (like he may think at the moment), but want to see him back to his old self and your sexual relationship back to its steamy level.

 


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Should I Stay in a Sexless Marriage?

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Sex is an important part of marriage, but it shouldn’t be the center focus. Your sexless marriage doesn’t have to stay dry and frigid, and no I’m not talking about extramarital activities. You can rekindle your marriage sex life and have the same passionate relationship you once had before. You don’t have to do anything silly, or desperate, or degrading. Marriage is a lifelong commitment that shouldn’t disintegrate because you no longer have sex or haven’t had sex in a long time. No matter how long it’s been, you can always reawaken your partner’s and your sexual passions.

1.    Make sex forbidden. For at least a week, do nothing but kiss, hold hands, and act like teenagers. Making sex unattainable makes it more desirable and will make you and your partner see it as something passionate and reawakening. By creating a no-sex period, you automatically make you and your spouse want sex. It may not be a strong desire, but with heavy petting for a week and the sex to look forward to, you’ve got a good start to restarting your sex lives.

2.    Be open to each other. If you and your spouse don’t talk about what the other wants in the bedroom, you’ll never know how they want to be pleased or how to please them. This resistance to expressing what they want may be a partial cause to the sex rut. Talk to your partner about what you’d like to try in the bedroom and ask what they want to try. This way, you both are trying new things and are communicating and having sex. It doesn’t have to be sex, it could be role play or using different tools or just working on intimacy and taking and giving direction, which leads into the next topic.

3.    Create intimacy. Sex without intimacy is like a one-night stand. It doesn’t have to be romantic, but you and your spouse should be on a comfortable level of intimacy that makes sex exciting and enjoyable. Open up to each other about sexual fantasies, fears, worries, or embarrassments either from the bedroom or in everyday life. This will help you learn more about your spouse and create intimacy which will lead to a physical intimacy.

4.    Practice taking and giving directions. This is a fun experiment, albeit a little scary, for couples trying to rekindle the spark. Instead of having yes-and-no questions, try two-sided questions like harder or softer, slower or faster, and higher or lower. It’s easier for your partner to pick one than to say exactly what they want you to do. It’s a hard subject to verbally express so using techniques like this will help make it easier for you two to both take and give directions in bed.

Sex should be a part of marriage that is enjoyable for you and your spouse so make sure that this is a priority in your sex lives. Intimacy will also make sex easier and more satisfying. Try these tips to rekindle your sexless marriage.

If you and your spouse no longer have sex because of more deep-rooted problems like adultery, trust, money, or mental or physical trauma, then you should seek counseling. Counseling will help you and your partner work through the problem and the aversion to sex and make it easier to be open about the issues that are harder to face.

 


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